Fire hoses. Bazookas. Carnival acts. These are the shooting-things-out-of-themselves experts. I know this now. Probably should have consulted them before attempting to blast a 9-pound-11-ounce boob destroyer out of my favorite part. Ah, well. Hindsight, much like a newborn baby person, is a total motherfucker.
And once the baby's out of you, what the hell are you supposed to do with it, right? You're immediately hit with all these questions about how to provide the best for your newborn: Where are the hottest baby nightclubs? Are baby topsiders in or out? According to infant etiquette, when your baby pisses in your face, is it customary to say "thank you" or will a fist bump suffice?
When I had babies, there wasn't a sweet-ass guide to baby-ing in Dallas with all the baby feeding, baby clothing, baby hanging-out-with info. But I'm here for you, Dallas. As a freaking baby-rearing expert (based on four years as a mother of a girl person plus three weeks as the mother of a boy person plus a deep, serious relationship with Jack Daniel's), I give you The How to Raise a Baby in Dallas Guide to Dallas Baby-Raising.
Dallas is the land of baby opportunity. If you're sitting at home with your baby watching Netflix all day, you're doing it wrong. Netflix is for 4 a.m. feedings. If you watch Netflix 24 hours a day, you're going to blow your Netflix load way too early and run right through all the seasons of The Walking Dead in like three days. When you watch all the recent series that quickly, you're headed for disappointment, spelled with a capital "season finale of Pretty Wicked Moms and Elmo documentaries."
Instead, get out there and chug from the luxury-filled double-D boob that is the Dallas child-rearing scene.
