Kanye West Should Forget Parler and Fund These Crazy Ideas Instead

Before Ye makes a bad financial decision with Parler, we have a better shopping list for him.
Before Ye makes a bad financial decision with Parler, we have a better shopping list for him. Chris Victorio
Any good will that Kanye West ever generated based on his impressive talents as a musician seems to be diminishing. While Ye’s controversial statements could once be laughed off as a desperate bid for attention, his recent use of the phrase "White Lives Matter" in his clothing line Yeezy and his antisemitic tweets inspired a huge backlash among fans and got him banned from Twitter last week.

The rapper, who has long supported former President Donald Trump, isn’t going to let his Twitter ban keep him from speaking his mind. It was recently revealed that West is in early talks to purchase the conservative social media platform Parler, a haven for extremism that has been under close examination since the Capitol riots of Jan. 6, according to CNN, for its continued failure to monitor hate speech.

The merging of Ye and Parler has us longing for the days when ridiculous celebrity purchases were something we could laugh about, like when Nicolas Cage was buying dinosaur bones and Michael Jackson was indulging in Macaulay Culkin collectibles. Even Elon Musk’s bid to buy Twitter was amusing for a moment; it may have finally given us a good reason to delete our accounts for good.

West is estimated to be one of the richest people in the world. While he could definitely use his abundant wealth for noble purposes, that doesn’t seem likely. If he is going to indulge in these kinds of ridiculous purchases, we think that there are more dumb things that he should get going in addition to a site for neo-Nazis. Here's a list of better ways Ye could spend his money.

Starting His 2024 Campaign

Is Kanye ever going to actually follow through with his promise (or threat) to run for president of the United States? Although he had flirted with the idea of running before, he actually filed with the FEC and received 66,365 votes in 12 states. He’s also tweeted that he intends to relaunch in 2024. Look, Kanye will probably never be president, but perhaps a 2024 run could splinter the conservatives between two wild candidates if Trump also decides to run again.

Hiring Better Westworld Writers
Kanye’s popularity surged again after the Season 2 trailer for HBO’s popular science fiction series Westworld debuted at the 52nd Super Bowl using a piano cover of his hit song “Runaway.” Although Westworld was highly acclaimed in its first season, reviews and viewership have declined as the show continues to complicate its own timeline, and it has yet to be renewed for a fifth season. Maybe Kanye can independently fund it, and hire a better writing team while he’s at it.

Buying Taylor Swift’s Private Jet
Kanye’s actions toward Taylor Swift have gotten him in hot water endless times over the years. However, Swift herself was at the center of a recent scandal when details emerged about the egregious environmental impact caused by her private jet’s emissions. If Kanye really wants to get back at Swift and hold himself to a higher standard, he could buy her jet and ground it for good.

Burning His “White Lives Matter” Shirts
Somehow, Ye managed to outdo the ugliness of Yeezy shoes with a graphic tee no one needed.

Hiring Will Smith’s Publicity Team

If Kanye really wants to get back in good graces with the public, he should look no further than Will Smith. He has a new movie called Emancipation coming out in December despite having assaulted Chris Rock in front of a live audience and countless viewers at home just a few months ago. If Smith managed to stay “uncanceled," maybe Kanye should invest in whatever brilliant PR firm he’s hired.

Funding Alejandro Jodorowsy’s Dune
Kanye has some strange interests, and has revealed that he's a massive fan of the notorious cult filmmaker Alejandro Jodorowsky. The 93-year-old Chilean writer-director is known for his bizarre, violent and surrealist arthouse films, but has had to turn to kickstarter campaigns in order to fund his most recent projects. In 2014, the documentary Jodorowsky’s Dune premiered in Dallas at the USA Film Festival, and told the story of Jodorowsky’s failed attempts to craft an ambitious 18-hour version of Dune. A crypto collective recently bought the rights to the film’s original manuscript, but perhaps Kanye can outbid them.

Invest in Kim Kardashian's Prison Reform

Among many offenses, Kim Kardashian has terrorized the world with awful TV content for 15 years, but she's done one bit of good with her fame: She has successfully advocated for prison reform by financing and supporting the release of countless inmates. Ye should really stop feuding publicly with his ex-wife and her family and support her efforts.

Apologizing To Every Chick-Fil-A Employee
If we were listing the worst lyrics of all time, the Chick-Fil-A reference in Ye's song “Closed on Sunday” would rank pretty high. He owes an apology to every teenager working shifts at Chick-Fil-A who's had to hear customers repeat the song back to them. Maybe he could invest in giving them all a handwritten note.

Building An Actual Wonka Factory
Among the various figures to which West has compared himself is Charlie and the Chocolate Factory’s Willy Wonka. But could he deliver on that promise? Kanye has yet to venture into candy production, but we imagine that would be a better use of his time than perusing the message boards of Parler full of adults complaining about a Black mermaid.

Re-creating the "Thriller" Video

Kanye made a cameo as an MTV anchor during the “news team battle” in Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues. In the film, Kanye gets the idea for Michael Jackson’s infamous video after watching Liam Neeson turn into a werewolf. Michael Jackson is maybe the only celebrity with a more rabid fanbase than Kanye, but perhaps Ye could one-up him by doing his own version of the most iconic music video of all time.

A Better McDonald’s Ad
It’s no secret that Kanye loves McDonald’s. He once tweeted that it was his all-time favorite restaurant and even penned a poetic love letter to the leading fast food chain in Frank Ocean’s magazine in 2018. He also redesigned a version of the Happy Meal this year. If Kanye loves McDonald’s this much, surely he can come up with a better television spot than the one he debuted at the last Super Bowl. His favorite pig-out locale deserves better than the lazy cameo he filmed.
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Liam Gaughan has been covering film and television since before he had a driver's license, and in addition to the Observer has been published in, Schmoes Know, Taste of Cinema and The Dallas Morning News. He enjoys checking classic films off of his watchlist and working on spec scripts.

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