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Open Letter To The Jerks Who Broke Into My Car Last Night

Dear Jerkwads: Assume the position.

Dear Two White Or Hispanic Males Who Broke Into My Car Last Night For What I Suspect Is The Second Time In Two Months But Who Were Finally Successful In Relieving Me Of My Crappy Mid-'90s After-Market Car CD Player (Congrats!),

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Andrea Grimes, and you appear to be obsessed with my car stereo. The first time we met back in December, I was screaming at you from my balcony in historic Junius Heights as you sped away in your primer-colored two-door late '90s sedan. That day, you cost me $120 in new windows.

The second time we met was last night, when I heard the telltale whooshing of my car alarm yet again. I noted your new paint job (white -- very classy, understated) and was too busy calling the police to bother much with verbally assuring you of your general degeneracy.

Since you two are now proud owners of the aforementioned CD player, I have a couple of ideas you may want to take into consideration when deciding how best to use your new CD player.

Consider:

1. Sticking it up your arses.

2. Cutting it apart horizontally placing it in the aforementioned orifice.

3. Slicing it vertically and placing it in the aforementioned orifice.

Please note that these are only suggestions; if you have other ways of severely injuring yourself using my CD player, please feel free to fully explore those options with my full blessing.

LYLAS,

Andrea

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Patrick Williams is editor-in-chief of the Dallas Observer.
Contact: Patrick Williams