Cheap Bastard

Review: Antoine's of Dallas Serves Up Po-Boys On The Cheap

Indian chief statue count: 1

Eclipse gum packages I added to my meal so I could pay with my debit card: 1

Giant yellow indoor picnic table count: 2

When I go out to eat lunch, I don't want to have to order from a spiral-bound menu with a bunch of different chapters. Cheesecake Factory, I'm talking to you. There's just no reason at all that a Sunrise Fiesta Burrito should be on your menu. Now, if it were instead a Sunrise Fiesta Burrito Cheesecake, I'd get it.

But what I really want is to order from a menu with focus. So what if it doesn't have velvet booths and a hostess wearing one of those Madonna headset microphones? So what if it doesn't pass health inspection? Just put the best things you can think of on the menu, and even if you end up with just five different sandwiches that are differentiated pretty much solely by the kind of processed meat on them, I say you're way ahead of those spiral-bound places.

Antoine's agrees with me. This sandwich shop serves up the cheapest po-boys I've seen in Dallas and they passed their health inspection (bonus!). I ordered the daily special for $3.99. It's chips (will you choose Sour Cream & Onion Ruffles or Funyuns? Either way, pick up some gum on the way out), any 12-ounce Pepsi product and The Original sandwich. It comes with ham, German salami, Provolone cheese, mayonnaise, chow-chow and pickles on fresh baked bread. Pop quiz: What's chow-chow? Is it:

a) 2008 winner of The Coolest Word You Can Say Twice In A Row award

b) Italian for, "Leave. No, seriously—leave. Also, you're ugly."

c) A euphemism for "mouth". As in, "You got a little something on your chow-chow."

d) A euphemism for "butt". As in, "You got a little something on your chow-chow."

e) A breed of dog and a type of veggie relish.

It's E. And, I decided that it's really tasty. Just tell your mouth what it's about to eat, because my eyes told my mouth that it was about to eat a sandwich with sweet carroty things on it and my mouth was really confused. Then, it asked the owner guy what chow chow is made of, and my mouth was like, "Oh. I take back the thing I said about these carrots being rotten."

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Alice Laussade writes about food, kids, music, and anything else she finds to be completely ridiculous. She created and hosts the Dallas event, Meat Fight, which is a barbecue competition and fundraiser that benefits the National MS Society. Last year, the event raised $100,000 for people living with MS, and 750 people could be seen shoving sausage links into their faces. And one time, she won a James Beard Award for Humor in Writing. That was pretty cool.
Contact: Alice Laussade