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Five Halloween Candies to Hand Out if You Hate Kids

Nana is kinda chalky.
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Nana is kinda chalky.
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Alice Laussade

Monday night is Halloween. Which means it's time to start thinking about what you'll be handing out to the little ones this year. If you're awesome, we know you'll be the house with the king-size Snickers bars and the werewolf droppings.

But if you hate kids and you're also the worst at life, here's a list of five candies (besides the obvious worst: candy corn) we're pretty sure you'll be giving out:

1. Giant Shitty Candy

Five Halloween Candies to Hand Out if You Hate Kids
Alice Laussade

You'd think that any candy in a giant form would be better, but you'd be so awfully, horribly wrong about that.

2. Circus Peanuts

Even the circus is like, "Seriously dude, these are fucking nasty."

3. Those Grody, Waxy Pumpkin Things

Five Halloween Candies to Hand Out if You Hate Kids

How 'bout making pumpkins taste like pumpkins? No? Oh, right. Obviously they should taste like piss instead.

4. Pumpkin Peeps

Five Halloween Candies to Hand Out if You Hate Kids

You, sirs, are not Peeps. Peeps are fuckin' baby-chicken-shaped and yellow. They're classy. And they're named Peeps because that's the sound baby chickens make. You poseur pumpkin Peeps can suck a candy corn.

5. Those green peppermints and hard candies only the worst restaurants give out

Five Halloween Candies to Hand Out if You Hate Kids

You're not a Chili's. Stop acting like one.

Follow City of Ate on Twitter. Follow me at @thecheapbastard.

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