The 34th season of Survivor began airing last night. It was also the 500th episode. Jeff Probst has won four Emmys for hosting the show, and yet I had never seen one minute of it.
Fort Worth native Michaela Bradshaw returns for this season, which takes place in Fiji. She has previously competed on the Millennials vs. Gen. X season. No one knows why she decided to return, but I’m assuming she enjoys torture.
There are two tribes, Mana and Nuku. Bradshaw is in the Mana tribe with nine other lovers of torture.
During the first immunity challenge, host Probst reveals what the immunity idol looks like. Everyone is floored. It’s like he just revealed something that will save their actual souls, not their chances to continue on a reality competition.
Having never seen this show before, I’m surprised that Probst narrates the entire challenge. I like when hosts just sit back with a smug look on their face. But I guess that’s why Probst has won an Emmy and Ryan Seacrest hasn’t.
The Mana tribe loses the first immunity challenge because they didn’t run as fast or swim as fast or do as well as the Nuku tribe. Consequently, they have to vote one of their players off the island. Everyone decides they are going to vote Ciera off.
Ciera is shady because in her previous season, she voted her own mom off. There’s also a general distrust of her. It’s unclear why.
The team decides to tell Ciera that they are all voting Bradshaw off, though. This is to throw Ciera off to the fact that they are actually voting her off. Bradshaw gets wind of this and is pissed. I mean, pissed. Bradshaw says she just doesn’t like her name being used as a decoy.
I hate this show.
Bradshaw is not voted off the island. Instead, Ciera and her head scarf are sent home like planned.
Then, for the first 30 minutes of the second hour, absolutely nothing happens. It’s just 19 people walking around an island talking about who, if they were given the opportunity, they would vote off the island. There’s a clear gender divide in the Mana tribe and yet everyone flips back and forth depending on whom they are talking to.
I just want to see someone nearly drown in the ocean. That’s all I’m here for.
The second immunity challenge comes, and this time, Probst gets his khakis wet while he stands in the ocean and yells at the contestants. There are a bunch of obstacles, including swimming and carrying a large snake-like object, and ring tossing.
The Mana tribe sucks. Partly because their tribe has somewhat older contestants, but they also just suck. The Nuku tribe, on the other hand, is crushing it. They make it all the way to the end with the ring-tossing portion when the Mana tribe somehow sneaks their way back up.
However, some guy with long blond hair does all the ring tossing for the Mana tribe, while Bradshaw has to just stand there. This makes her angry. I mean, angry. When it comes time to vote someone off the island, Bradshaw tells Probst that she is a physically strong player. She came to compete, she says, and she didn’t get to because longhaired blond boy did all the ring tossing.
Bradshaw doesn’t get voted off the island. She’s safe for another week.
Watch Bradshaw survive on the island at 7 p.m. Wednesdays on CBS.
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