Welcome to Alice Column, in which Alice Laussade writes stories about things on the same day of every week, making it a column. Got an idea for a column? Start your own blog and write it up, you lazy shit.
Oh awesome! You're single on Valentine's Day?! You are about to have the best time ever. Especially if you follow my simple Valentine's Day Rules for Single People:
1. Definitely go sit at a bar and immediately pound seven shots, man or lady! Why? Because: single and can do whatever the fucks you want. And be sure to have answers ready for, "So, you meeting someone here, or are you alone tonight?" And "Aww." Answers can be verbal or punches. Bring a cloth-covered ice pack in case.
2. Pack a nutritious snack. You know you become a total assfedora clusterdick when your blood sugar gets low.
3. SMILE! You are the wind beneath your wings. I know the Dallas nightlife scene can be frustrating. Believe me, I know exactly what it's like out there for you, because motherhood is shockingly similar to singlehood. For example, just read the next sentence making the following substitutions: "man servant" or "ladyfriend" subs for "daughter"; sub "heroin/sexytime den" for the movie and "all the awesome stuff that's in a heroin/sexytime den" for "opening credits") You think you can bring your daughter to see Monsters Inc. 3D, but then she just cries the whole time and bitches about everything, shits herself and you have to leave and you don't even get to see the opening credits, amiright?
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4. Oh, fuck word. Go out and eat raw shellfish and soft cheeses, you bastard! You're single! You should be getting all food crazy! Take detailed notes about how it tasted when you ate it and then fax or mail your Instagrammed photos of the meal to me as soon as you possibly can.
5. Sex people you probably don't even know! Oh, man. You. Should. Totally. Do it in a public restroom with another person or some multiple people like they always do on Sons of Anarchy. I hear that's great. Bring wipes. I have a Sam's Club roll of sensitive skin ones you can borrow. If you want, you can just bring my whole diaper bag with you, which would probably be easier. It's waterproof.
6. Have a big fight with someone, during which you say the words, "Let's take this outside, Jizzbag!" and then keep fighting outside because you don't even care because you're single and then -- ooh -- maybe you could even go to jail. If you need a pet-sitter to watch your dog while you're in jail with the other jail people, I know a totally responsible 13-year-old.
7. Be home by 9 p.m. Nothing good ever happens after 9 p.m. It's a proven fact. Enjoy your singlehood on Valentine's Day. If you think for one second that it sucks to be single on Valentine's Day, you're doing it wrong. Get out there and get awesome and stop complaining about your freedom, you buncha B-words.