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'Tentacles Squelching Wetly' and the Best Closed Captions on Season 4 of Stranger Things

Finn Wolfhard, Caleb McLaughlin and Gaten Matarazzo, looking at something totally '80s and probably moving wetly.
Finn Wolfhard, Caleb McLaughlin and Gaten Matarazzo, looking at something totally '80s and probably moving wetly. courtesy Netflix
Season 4 of Stranger Things has given us plenty to talk about. The show made Kate Bush's 1985 song "Running Up That Hill" a No. 1 hit, made Metallica popular again and introduced the world to actor Joseph Quinn. Quinn's existence unleashed its own chain of amusing events, which we'll summarize as follows: After publicly thirsting over Quinn on Twitter, 26-year-old rapper Doja Cat messaged 17-year-old Stranger Things cast member Noah Schnapp, who plays Will Byers, asking him to tell Quinn to "hmu." Byers suggested she slide in Quinn's DMs and sent her his @. We know this because Schnapp shared a screenshot of the exchange on TikTok.

Doja Cat then called Schnapp a snake and a weasel for sharing their private messages and seemingly all of social media turned against her, pointing out that she was messy as hell to begin with for asking a minor to help her hook up. She's responded by calling those criticizing her "cringe" and "lame" and, worst of all, we still have no idea whether Doja and Quinn ever hooked up and doubt that they will after all this.

But even that drama couldn't overshadow the work of the show's "subtitle author," who was in charge of summing up the unusual sounds on the show, and fans are sharing their favorite closed captions from the season.

Closed captions are usually simple, descriptive short sentences that sum up a noise for the hearing impaired and for people who choose to use subtitles. Occasionally, some fun words get thrown into the mix like "chortle," or something like "tinkle" when referencing things such as the sound of wind chimes clinking together (although "tinkle" paints a different picture). Luckily, there are some true artists who use the opportunity to get colorful with their descriptions.

Here are some of our favorite creative captions from Season 4 of Stranger Things:

"Wet squelching."
Imagine an evil creature with a massive skin disorder moving and oozing its liquidy exterior all over itself at a volume that no human wishes to hear. This is probably the most common caption used throughout the show. Everything is wet, everything squelches and dryness is a luxury these characters cannot afford.

"Menacing, guttural growling."
This is a great way to describe the sounds of a creature alien to Earth, and works just as well to describe someone who has not eaten for hours and sees a van for Surfer Boy Pizza.

"Flesh distending wetly."
At least whatever this is was distending wetly, because a good way to minimize stretch marks is to use lotion to moisturize the skin — though we'll dare say vanity is not top priority for these creatures and ghosts.

"Wet rustling."
Vecna's realm sounds just awful, starting with the constant movement of worm-like vines amplified to what sounds like slugs if they were secreting directly into your eardrums. This is the general ambiance of the Upside Down. As you will soon learn from watching the show, everything is done wetly.

"Tentacles squelching wetly."
How else would a tentacle squelch if not wetly? If that image is off-putting, know that the alternative, "Tentacles grating dryly," sounds a thousand times worse.

"Lips smacking wetly."
No one likes it when someone smacks their lips, and to do that wetly is a new level of disrespect. Have some manners and be gross in solitude.

"Feral snarling."
This is a solid way to describe both the warning sounds of a wild animal on the verge of attack and a Karen who asks to speak to the manager.

"Creatures bite wetly."
We all know the saying, "If you want something done right, do it with a mouth full of saliva." Whether that is speaking, kissing or biting, do it in such a way that your target will not know what hit them until it is too late.

"Bones crunching."

While the creatures were crunching on bones, we were crunching on snacks. No, it's not the same thing, but don't limit your imagination. Any chip or pretzel can be a crunchy bone if you believe in yourself.

"Guttural gurgling."

This is a common, natural and human thing, where your stomach sounds like it's farting through its skin. We are learning that these creatures also experience this embarrassment, which is a funny way of saying we are all the same on the inside, where it counts.

"Gate pulsates wetly."
This is one of the gates that allows entry to and from the Upside Down. But why must it pulsate wetly? Is "gate" code for something else? We can think of other things that pulsate wetly and a gate is not exactly what we have in mind. Best not to enter unless, of course, it's consensual.

"Tentacles roiling wetly."
The next time you're in the ocean and you encounter a squid, try agitating it so you too can be immersed in the excitement that is the Upside Down.

"Desiccated withering."
This is perhaps the driest description used during this show. While Max is hiding out in her happy memories, eventually the mood takes a turn as flowers begin to die and the room grows darker. So where has all the moisture gone? The Upside Down world is far too wet to use such dry words.

"Tentacles undulating moistly."

There are some things in life that a person should never say, and this phrase feels like one of those times.

"Tentacle adheres wetly."
If we have learned anything about this show, it would be that it is very, VERY wet.

"Hand unfurling creakily."
This is relatable for anyone over the age of 40, in the sense that you can expect your joints to also move creakily.

"Ichorous tentacles constrict."

This sounds like a "sipping on my third glass of wine" type of colorful line. Ichorous does not often find its way into the world of closed captioning, but that clearly needs to change.

"Wet footsteps squelch."

This person took something wet and somehow managed to make it wetter.

"Flesh rending."
What an awful way to handle flesh. One would hope that it would slip right off, much like removing your pants at the end of a work shift, if those pants were a suit made of unwanted skin.

"Creatures mewl pathetically."
OK, this one feels personal, like they found some excitement watching the vicious bats lose their ability to attack the teenagers. It's that awkward moment when the vibe changes from simply doing your job to enjoying your job, but a captioner is allowed to be biased.
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