Here are the answers to the questions you’ve been undoubtedly asking for over a year, like, “Which Dallas suburb most closely resembles that DILF on that Canadian show that won two trillion Emmys?”
In clinical terms, Mutt is shady as fuck. This fuckboy briefly dated Alexis, who, like many a University of North Texas woman, was intrigued by the presence of a beard. Alas, like Denton, Mutt doesn’t quite live up to expectations, and you get the sense that, beneath that bearded façade, the dude is probably a little racist.
Notable Quote: “I beat my laundry against rocks.”
Because there’s probably a friendly, lovable waitress named Twyla brightening patrons’ days in Waxahachie this very moment.
Notable Quote: “One of my mom's ex-boyfriends was a magician and a gambling addict. But he was also really good at reading tarot cards. He predicted when he was going to leave my mom, like, to the day.”
Patrick: Deep Ellum
Dude can sing, and apart from his mystery wife, he’s one of the most likable people in the town of Schitt’s Creek.
Notable Quote: “I don’t expect you to say it back to me right now; you say it when you’re ready. Just felt right to me, in the moment. You’re my Mariah Carey.”
Richardson is just a little too “big city” for Jocelyn, whom you can practically envision leading a tailgate or getting her nails did in football-obsessed suburbia.
Notable Quote: “I hope everybody likes a cheeseball!”
And Allen is just a little too “big city” for Roland.
Notable Quote: “Well, um, here's the deal. Uh, I was thinking this morning, and I don't wanna tell you where I was thinking, but it was a small room in my house, and I was sitting down.”
Stevie: Lower Greenville
Lots of bars and plenty of men of questionable character.
Notable Quote: "I have my own holiday tradition. It's like the 12 Days of Christmas, but it’s one day with 12 bottles of wine.”
Ted: The Colony
This one was admittedly tough, as there are few places inoffensive enough to warrant a comparison to a mild-mannered, pure-hearted veterinarian like Ted. The Colony will have to suffice (which, I imagine, is a sentence some Colony residents are familiar with).
Notable Quote: "I think that you are the most beautiful girl this town's ever seen."
Alexis’ friends: Frisco
While they're referenced occasionally, Alexis’ friends are seen only in one episode. Still, they seem like the kind of folks who would fly a private plane to an insurrection.
Notable Quote: "I would love, like, a hot water, but if you could just let it sit so it cools."
Like Alexis, Uptown has a rich history hiding beneath a veneer of shiny new things and a love of $14 drinks.
Notable Quote: “I walk through life in really nice shoes.”
Close Second: "Yeah, and Adam Levine and I 'just' went for bubble tea."
David: the Arts District
The style, flourish and showmanship that pervade the Arts District are a perfect match for David, who probably wouldn’t be caught dead in most other places on this list.
Notable Quote: "Being approachable isn’t that important anyway. The Queen hasn’t smiled since the '70s, and her birthdays are still very well-attended.”
Moira: the Design District
Chic décor, extravagant showrooms and ties to celebs like George Michael? This one is obvious.
Notable Quote: “The last time I felt this emotionally encumbered, I was playing Lady Macbeth.”
Johnny: Preston Hollow
It’s a match made in heaven. Or a really nice boardroom. Titan of industry Johnny Rose can easily talk shop, stock, “rollouts” and other business-y things with current and former Preston Hollow residents like Ross Perot, T. Boone Pickens and Mark Cuban.
Notable Quote: “I don’t wanna be taken advantage of because I’m overdressed.”