Our Handy Guide to Surviving St. Patty's Day on Greenville, with Frequently Asked Questions

You know that the St. Patty's Day festivities are happening this weekend along Greenville Avenue, but exactly when do the leprechaun keg stands start? And when is it Irish Car Bomb-thirty?

Angela Hunt provided this handy guide to the St. Patrick's Day fun, and the police offered up a list of Frequently Asked Questions. But both elements were missing some thngs, so we made some edits.

First off, you'll need a map. Here's the traffic plan that the city provided (with a few small changes), which helpfully points out street closures and detour routes.

You're probably still wondering about event timing. Some of our questions weren't included in DPD's FAQs, so we set about answering both them and some SLFAQs (Slightly Less Frequently Asked Questions):

Q: Where and when do those a-holes start that 5k thing that gets in the way of me getting my beer? A: The a-holes will be running a 5k from 8 a.m.- 11 a.m..

Q: When does the dang parade start, anyway? A: 11 a.m., starting at Blackwell and Greenville. If you don't know where (or what) Blackwell and Greenville are at 11 a.m., you probably need to slow down on the booze shots. And maybe eat something.

Q: Where's the street party? A: On Greenville Avenue, between Vanderbilt and Vickery. The 2900 block of Greenville Avenue will be shut down to vehicular traffic on Saturday from 9 a.m. until approximately 8 p.m. Don't try to drive anywhere near here in your car, People of Dallas Who Hate This Event or Have Other Obligations Besides "WOOOOO!! IRISH!!! DRANKIN'!!!!" On Saturday.

Q: Can I camp or sleep overnight to save a parking space? A: The Dallas Police Department says "No overnight camping or sleeping in parking lots will be allowed." What they mean is, "No, loser. Maybe get a social life instead."

Q: Can I set up a spontaneous stage, band or DJ in an area where a group of friends will be together? A: Dallas Police Department says that "Special Event Permits are required for any amplified music in parking lots either public or private." What they mean is, "No. Your band sucks."

Q: Can I bring my own booze, park where there are signs that clearly say "no parking," park on the grass of the frontage road by Central Expressway or use propane or butane to grill? A: No, dummy.

Q: Seriously, when are the leprechaun keg stands? A: 12 p.m.

Q: How do I know when it's time to go home? A: A flier from Dallas City Coucilwoman Angela Hunt says that "The street sales of alcohol will end at 6:30 p.m. or earlier if DPD deems necessary." So, that'll be around the time you'll probably head to a bar or an after-party. But another good rule of thumb for calling it a night is when you see the DJ start farting. That's his secret cue to you that the partying has been fun, but now it's over.

Have a happy and safe St. Patrick's Day. And get a cab. You need one.

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