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Five Reasons Why I Won't Use This Scary Sleep Aid

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My desk is where freebies and sample go to die. Just call it the Florida of unloved promotions. I've gotten used to stacking folders on top of books penned by Jersey Shore stars and wore a bandana over my mouth when that terrible bottle of stroganoff-scented cologne was broken during shipping. You can say it: I'm a trooper.

Those things add clutter and distraction, but nothing has disturbed me until this tub of liquid sleep aid arrived yesterday afternoon. It's called Time 2 Sleep. You're meant to pump out the "homeopathic" lotion and slather it all over your skull: forehead gets a squirt, ditto with temples and back of neck. Wait thirty minutes and -- ta-dah!-- you're sleepy! (Best used before bedtime.)

Here's five reasons why I will never rub Time 2 Sleep on my skin.

1.) Only send me uppers. There's no need to mail any type of sedative to an overworked journalist (read: all journalists); we fall asleep anywhere. Seriously. If I have a chance to sneak in a quick 15 during the movie previews, I am so doing that. (Fun fact: Popcorn makes an excellent pillow.)

2.) Please don't mail me an over-the-counter medication if you haven't bothered to proof-read your packaging. I'm guessing that this campaign was written in Japanese, run through Bablefish.com and immediately sent to the printer. I mean who needs punctuation, am I right? Capitalization? I like it random. Also, just go ahead and add periods any ol' damn place. I'll add a few right now, just to be celebratory.. Wait, here's a couple more. ..

3.) There's no need to abbreviate the word "to." Just let it do its thing; it never hurt you. You aren't instilling any sense of safety by throwing numbers around all willy-nilly.

4.) "Do not use if you have allergies." This is Texas: We all have allergies. We're a state of sniffling arm-wipers who just want to to make it through the day without some horrible neti pot related incident. "And that's what finally took her off the board. She survived hurricanes, tornadoes, and competitive kickball, but in the end she could not escape the dubious fate of death, via nasal irrigation."

5.) I don't want to wind up like this guy:

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