In The Parent Crap, Alice Laussade chronicles life as a mom in Dallas. Worried you're screwing up your kid? Tweet questions to @thecheapbastard and she'll confirm that, yes, you're screwing up your kid.

It's Christmastime again, and if you have a toddler at home, that means it's also probably Elf On The Shelf time. If you've never heard of Elf On The Shelf, let me explain: It's a dumb thing parents do that can only end in self hate and tears.

Oh sure, Elf On The Shelf seemed like a cute idea when you bought one for your house. "We'll set him out every night, tell the kid he reports back to Santa so they'd better not be assholes, and it'll be like we've got a Christmas watchdog right in our house. Hell yeah."

But apparently, these days, simply putting the elf out on the shelf is not enough.