Let's Unpack Ted Cruz's Pronoun Bill

There are a few statements made in Texas that require a follow-up such as, "no, seriously," "no, really" or some other variation. They usually follow statements like this: "They're serving fried beer at the State Fair this year," or "Jerry Jones DIDN'T try to run out on the field and replace the head coach."

One kind of sentence that's usually followed by a "No, really" is any that includes the words "Ted Cruz."

Here's the latest "No, really" moment from the Texas senator: He wants to regulate pronouns.

No, really.

There.

Now we can start to unpack this thing.

Cruz has had a problem with pronouns for a long time now. The problem isn't one of comprehension. He knows what pronouns are. He's a lawyer.

Cruz objects to being forced to use certain pronouns because they don't line up with his view of someone else's gender. He believes transgender people should be referred to only by the pronoun that denotes their gender at birth. For anyone who's born intersex, perhaps there's a 1-800 number Cruz wants you to call. He hasn't quite worked out all the deets. By Cruz's line of thinking, no subsequent life events should alter the way we were referred when we were infants. (Forget "officer," "doctor" or "your honor." Were you born a professional?)

During the Conservative Political Action Committee conference held in Dallas in 2022, Cruz famously pronounced to a raucous crowd of red meat leapers that his pronouns were "kiss my ass." Try to put aside the thought that only one of those words is a "pronoun" befitting Ted Cruz.

Now he has taken the idea even further. He's turned pronoun usage into real legislation. The Texas senator introduced a bill in Congress that prohibits "the use of funds to implement, administer or enforce measures requiring certain employees to refer to an individual by the preferred pronouns of such individual or a name other than the legal name of such individual or for other purposes."

The bill also states the pronouns that federal government bodies may not refer to "another person's preferred pronouns if they are incompatible with such person's sex." ANYONE who breaks this law (if it's enacted, of course) could be fined up to $100,000.

There are so many ways to unravel the absurdity of Cruz's attempt to establish a national pronoun registry, we couldn't choose just one.

1. A Pronoun Bill Is Being Introduced by a Guy Named "Ted"
Cruz thinks he's bear-trapped all those "woke college campuses" out there with his bill, but all he's done is step right into his own trap. The funniest part is that he stared at it intently, took notes about the location of the trap and looked at it one more time before inserting both feet.

Ted's full name is Rafael Edward Cruz, but he goes by "Ted." Crowds chant "Ted" when he takes to stages. Everyone in Congress calls him Ted. They call him other names when he's not in the room.

It's just a name. Lots of people have nicknames, but now here's born-Rafael-but-prefers-Ted ordering other people to be referred to in ways they prefer not to be referred to. So when he signs a motion to put his bill up for a vote, will he scrawl his assigned birth name or go all Lorenzo Lamas in Renegade on his own law and sign the name of his choice as "Ted"?

2. How Are We Gonna Enforce It?
For someone who hates big government, Cruz sure loves to wield its awesome power like a sword that he just hired someone to pull out of a stone for him.

Here's a hypothetical: President Joe Biden suffers a stroke, mistakes himself for a Republican and signs the pronoun bill into law. There's nothing in the bill that states how any government agency is supposed to enforce this new speaking law.

He's gonna have to establish some kind of "Pronoun Police" wing of the FBI to investigate and bring charges against those who break Cruz's law. Cruz will have droves of overworked teachers roaming in and out of the halls of government making sure those pesky pronouns apply to the right pair of genitals. Not to mention Nancy in HR is gonna have a hell of a time dealing with your hospital records.

And who's gonna be on genital check? This horrendous Boys Don't Cry, Orwellian fantasy is not so far-fetched. Cruz and his ilk have already suggested teachers double up as armed security guards to combat school shootings. Pronoun-proofreading penis peepers is actually a step down in terms of pay grade.

3. The First Amendment
The first thing that's gonna happen if this bill is enacted is that lawsuits will surely follow, and all of them will win. People can't be forced by law to speak a certain way and vice versa. Free speech that doesn't commit libel or slander — or doesn't incite a riot — cannot be infringed upon.