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Survival Tips for Today's Trader Joe's Grand Opening

Whitney was wrong. You should most certainly NOT stay cool. It is time to freak the fuck out because OMGEEEEEEEEEEEE! It's Trader Joe's Day!

It is quite possible that the entire Internet (or at least the chunk set aside for Texas) has become bowed beneath the weight of the anticipation, blog posts, articles and commentary all about what's happening today in Fort Worth. You already know people go crazy for all thing's Trader on the Internet, but I'm betting that's nothing compared with the sheer madness going down right now in Cowtown.

If you've decided to brave the crowd of rabid foodies, hippies, soccer moms and dirty, stinky California transplants for the chance to sip Two-Buck Chuck and eat endless bags of Ends & Pieces, I've got some survival tips for you, my friends.

Let's begin with weaponry. This one is obvious. You can get fancy with hacky sacks, rifles, crossbows, pepper spray, spear guns, or even custom Two-Buck nunchucks, but I'll see all of those and raise you a jailhouse-grade shiv. Now take your sweaty mitts off of my wine, brah.

Weather protection gear. Hats and sunscreen are a given. Starbucks, spray bottles of water and/or a kiddie pool will make you a fucking hero.

A trusted friend. You're going to need someone to throw some 'bows as you work together to negotiate the Christmas-at-Toys-R-Us-circa-1986-Cabbage-Patch-craze-style crowd. If you're short, go with someone tall so you can crawl while he or she distracts the shoppers above with flailing limbs or pretending to choke. It's all about strategy, pure athleticism and fearlessness. Or perhaps just find someone to hold the bags for you as you shop. Anyone will do. One might even consider picking up a day laborer on the way. Times are tough out there, and you need your chocolate-covered Joe-Joe's. Win-win.

An ice chest or cooler. Did you even stop to think about how all your newly acquired frozen Trader shit was going to make it all the way back to Dallas?! Unless you want to eat all 10 boxes of your Bubbies Mochi Ice Cream in the car, you'd better put it all on ice. Bubbie didn't work her little Jewish fingers to the bone so you could watch it all melt into a giant puddle of whatever the hell mochi is on I-30.

Comfortable footwear. Just in case your mom doesn't get the chance talk to you before you go, wear walking shoes, sweetie. Because you'll be standing for hours. And possibly running. Actually, I'm almost certain you'll be running. Plan accordingly. Also, call your mother. You'll have plenty of time while you're in line reapplying your Banana Boat.

Tissues and waterproof mascara. You're so crazy-excited, you just may end up like this chick. And believe her, you'll want to look your best if you're going to make national news for being ridiculous passionate. Besides, crying at Texas' Trader Joe's ground zero is far more dignified than crying at the sweet, sweet taste of your first Texas-made In-N-Out Burger, right?


Y'know what? On second thought, just pop a couple Xanax and stay cool.

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