Thanks to some new hardline policies against critical race theory, gender fluidity and other hot-button issues that trigger the MAGA crowd, the Grapevine/Colleyville Independent School District (GCISD) has come under local and even national scrutiny.
Last Monday, the GCISD board of trustees approved a set of sweeping policies that limit discussions on topics such as race, gender, sexuality and slavery, prevent students from using bathrooms that don't align with their gender at birth and allow the board the absolute power to choose the books available at schools' libraries.
The only price the board had to pay to enact these measures was sitting through more than four hours of listening to more than 100 speakers voice a mix of support and extreme disagreement.
One of the supporters went on a tear that veered from angry to schadenfreude to homophobic with reckless speed.
The man's name is Scott Western. He's sporting a red shirt, a scraggly goatee, a star-spangled ball cap and an immense ego. Imagine Kevin James from The King of Queens if the show was called The King of White Settlement.
"I am a resident of GCISD, two kids in district," Western begins. "From the Fans of [Steven] Crowder, Ridonculus, MAGA residents and the Hodge Twins, YEAH."
It's the kind of "Yeah" the Kool-Aid Man would scream just after bursting through a wall. In this case, Western breaks through a supporting wall to deliver a pitcher of red MAGA refreshment.
"Thank you, Shannon, Casey, Timmy, Kathy," Western says referring to the more right-wing members of the GCISD board who went on to vote for the policy implementing a ban on critical race theory and the exclusion policies against transgender students. "Keep winning, baby! Do it. Embrace simple truths. There's only two genders. Boys should go to boys' rooms and girls should go to girls' restrooms and guess what? Teachers shouldn't be forced to use your freakin' made-up fantasy pronouns!"
Fantasy pronouns? But pardon the interruption. You were saying?
"Fight like hell!" Western continues. "Hold the line against the LGBT mafia and their dang pedo fans."
OK, now Mr. Sci-fi-horror has really crossed a line and is wading through an above-ground pool of lazy misconceptions. Study after study after study have shown the vast majority of identified pedophiles are heterosexual.
Unfortunately, he doesn't stop there.
"Keep winning!" Western continues. "You know what? Keep the winning. They can keep the monkeypox. How's that working?"
Then it REALLY goes off the rails.
"In fact, keep winning so much, we'll keep coming," Western bellows. "You know what? We're gonna keep coming so hard, the only thing these woke-tards got to figure out is whether it's on their face, back, butt or thigh! Whooo! Get some! Thank you."
Now clearly, he said this to get some attention, and thanks to the shareable nature of the internet and its love for metaphors based on bodily fluids, it's getting more than enough already.
The only part of this worthy of any deeper analysis is the face of the poor woman sitting to the left of Western as he goes into his tortured cum metaphor. We can't see her entire face because of her mask, but in the span of a few seconds her eyes dart from complacent to confused to horrified to "Did I just witness a gay panic stroke?"
Unfortunately, Western's three minutes of hate are just a tiny dot in the cosmos of stereotypes and mistruths that poured over Monday's GCISD meeting like hot syrup over a stack of rancid pancakes. Four of seven of the GCISD board heard Western's comical poison and must've been inspired by his "winning" rant, as they decided to pass divisive measures against people of color and transgender students.
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Danny Gallagher has been a regular contributor to the Dallas Observer since 2014. He has also written features, essays and stories for MTV, the Chicago Tribune,Maxim, Cracked, Mental_Floss, The Week, CNET and The Onion AV Club.