Monday marked the season finale of Bachelor in Paradise and honestly hopefully it was also the series finale because this spinoff of The Bachelor was one big snore.
The episode begins with six couples remaining. Until, of course, host Chris Harrison shows up to inform everyone in a formal sit-down meeting to get their heads out of their butts and in the game because it's time to decide if their relationships are serious enough for the real world.
Couples begin to drop like flies. Apparently, it took Harrison reminding them Paradise doesn't last forever for some of them to realize they aren't in real relationships.
However, Dallas native Marcus and his Paradise girlfriend, Lacy, hold strong. We've seen them grow together since week one and really at this point, only some sort of natural disaster could deter these two.
We see Lacy and Marcus spend some time in a fantasy suite away from cameras, where Lacy tells us she "loved on him."
That's nice. But we need reassurance, Bachelor in Paradise. Is this even a real way to find love?
And then like a gift from God, three Bachelor alumni couples walk through the Paradise palm trees to assure the final two couples that all the drama, blood, and tears are worth it because Bachelor love is real love.
We even get to see Dallas native Sean Lowe and his bride Catherine (Catherine "won" Sean's season of The Bachelor about two Bachelor seasons ago, but five seasons ago total between all the spinoffs. Whatever, you get it). They talk to both couples, but they really grill Marcus and Lacy with the hard questions.
What's their favorite body part on each other? WTF? What's their favorite body part on each other? We're all asking the same question to ourselves while we finish off the night's second bag of Cheetos.
Marcus tries to fool us with "smile" as his answer, but we know he's just lying. Sean, get the truth out of him. Please, we beg you.
"I like her... ," Marcus said, pointing to his chest.
And Lacy, go ahead and tell us your favorite body part on Marcus.
"I like his chest hair," she said with a big grin.
This is what relationships are based on, folks. We can finally move on. If a couple enjoys the same body part on each other, really, what can keep them apart?
Silly tidbits aside, Harrison must have had a yacht to get on or something because he quickly sits everyone down for the season's final rose ceremony.
Michelle Money and Cody confess their love for each other and disappear in to the sunset. But that's boring. We need some action.
When it comes time for Marcus and Lacy's big moment, Marcus shocks the entire room by pulling his sweetheart aside.
Will they break up? Does he have an STD? Is he going to leave her for a spot on Dancing With The Stars?
Everyone is freaking out. Barack Obama pauses his presidential duties to watch this moment. No, no. Barack and Michelle were definitely already watching the entire two hours. No need to pause anything.
But there's no scandal, all he did was propose! Lacy said yes (duh, Marcus is hot), and we wipe our Cheeto-covered hands on our sweat pants before virtually patting Reality Steve on the back for nailing it once again.
The credits roll and we learn Lacy will move to Dallas to be with Marcus.
So buy the two lovebirds a shot when you see them out, won't you?
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