Rick Perry is sitting at home with his wife, eating Funyuns and scrolling through channels on the moving picture box in his living room when he comes across President Obama standing on a podium and delivering a heartfelt, encouraging speech to the nation.
“I could do that,” Perry says to his Mrs.
And then off he goes to the presidential campaign trail for exactly 100 days.
After dropping out of that endeavor, he gets bored again. Tragically bored. He finds himself snacking in front of the TV again one Monday night. As he scrolls through the channels, he happens on Dancing with the Stars.
“I could do that,” he says to Mrs. Perry. “Call my person who handles encouraging me to make a fool of myself, please, and tell them to demand I get on that show.” She rolls her eyes and pats him on his back, but does as he asks because she has always told him he can accomplish whatever he puts his mind to. She has often been wrong.
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And now here we are. Here we freakin’ are. Former Governor of Texas Rick Perry will compete on season 23 of your grandmother’s favorite TV show, Dancing with the Stars.
Why, God? Why? Texas has had to deal with a lot of bullshit, like the August weather and other things we're too distraught to think of right now. But what did Texas do to deserve the unique torture of watching its longest-serving governor dance the samba with a woman in fringe underwear and high heels, only to have Erin Andrews and Tom Bergeron comment on it afterward?
Perry joins other celebrities on the dance floor, including Amber Rose, Ryan Lochte and another Texas native, Vanilla Ice. Most of them, however, have a legitimate reason for seeking publicity, such as a new TV show, or a Rio robbery scandal. Is Rick Perry combating a scandal we don’t know about? Are there Rick dick pics out there?
Only time will tell. Watch Perry dance with partner Emma Slater on Dancing with the Stars beginning 7 p.m. Sept. 12 on ABC.