QA-Nope! How to Host Your Own QAnon Conference When No One Else Will

U.S. Rep. Louie Gohmert was scheduled to speak at the For God & Country Patriot Roundup conservative action conference at the end of May but Gilley's pulled the plug on plans to use their facilities for the event.
U.S. Rep. Louie Gohmert was scheduled to speak at the For God & Country Patriot Roundup conservative action conference at the end of May but Gilley's pulled the plug on plans to use their facilities for the event. Danny Gallagher
No matter where you come from or what you believe, there is one thing we can all relate to over this past year and a few months: cancellations.

We've all had big plans that got shut down by the pandemic: birthdays, weddings, orgies. Everything that involved even the tiniest speck of human fluid transference had to stop in the name of preserving health and life.

So it's a little hard to jump on the people behind the conservative and conspiracy speaker conference the For God & Country Patriot Roundup now that Gilley's has decided not to let them host the event in their facilities. We can also empathize with the sting that follows a sudden cancellation, even if the goal of the thing that's being canceled is about spreading conspiracies and pumping up people who cannot see pitchforks and torches as a metaphor.

If you're a ticket holder or the organizer of another QAnonapalooza with plans that suddenly fall through because venues and companies don't want to be associated with you, there's still hope. You can just throw your own conspira-con!

Step 1: Ignore everyone
The first step to starting your own Q-Anon conference is just like when you planned to shoot that Jackass audition tape of yourself jumping off the roof and onto a giant, inflatable penis: ignore the advice of others.

People who care about you will say that you're crazy for all sorts of reasons: the financial responsibilities, the possible incitements to violence that can lead to actual criminal charges, the furthering of the political divide that already has separated us into ideological tribes, the catering, the chance that Rudy Giuliani might show up as a surprise and bite someone.

Ignore all of them. You know better than they do. Things like money, planning and logistics are never a concern for you. Why else would you have plunked down $500 for a single weekend pass to the world's loudest and dumbest TED talk, which didn't even include a VIP package or hotel accommodations?

Step 2: Start planning NOW
This step is crucial. Organizing a speaker conference of any topic, event or sanity level can be a laborious process with many pitfalls. You want to give yourself enough time to anticipate them all. Don't wait until the last minute. You're not putting together the action plan for a global pandemic here.

You've got to make the time to look for venues at the best price with owners who either agree with you ideologically and/or don't pay attention to any news or current events. The same goes with any other outside help or company you plan on booking for your event, that doesn't have words like "Freedom," "Tread" or "Libtard" in their company's logo.

Anyone of them can wise up, realize what they are supporting or grow a conscience at any moment and drop out at the drop of a MAGA hat.

Step 3: Organize safety protocols
Thanks to the "government" and "laws," there are certain safety measures and preparations you'll need in place before you can even sell your first ticket. City governments have rules regarding indoor gatherings and you may need to obtain special permitting to satisfy the safety concerns of civic entities like the fire marshal. You'll also need a fire safety exit plan and protocols for other potential medical or criminal emergencies so you're not liable for anything that happens during your convention.

The Centers for Disease Control also has a regularly updated list of recommendations for gatherings during the COVID-19 pandemic. However, since you know that COVID is really just a global false flag event designed by the elite to increase the financial shares of Netflix, science and companies that make face masks, you can just ignore that last one. Instead of sanitation stations, set up infection stations where random people can fling bodily fluids at passersby, sneeze on strangers and scream "Fuck ANTIFA!" directly into old people's maskless faces — so you can prove just how fake the "outbreak" is.

Step 4: Start screening for speakers
There are several factors to consider when you're trying to book big names to a QAnon gathering. Here are some questions you should ask potential speakers before you send an invitation with a check that contains at least four zeroes on it. If you get a "no" from the potential speaker candidate on at least one of these questions, them tell you'll have to pass.

1. Have you committed a crime and if so, have you been pardoned by a non-liberal President?
2. Have you ever lied to a government entity?
3. Do you dress like a Batman villain (the '60s TV show and Tim Burton and Joel Schumacher film canon only)?
3. Do you always look like you are yelling even when you aren't speaking?
4. Do you scream so much during your speeches that you often short out microphones?
5. Are you friends with Russian or Ukrainian oligarchs?
6. Are those oligarchs available to speak at this conference?
7. Are you bad at math, science, history, unbiased religious doctrine, civics, Socratic philosophy  and basic geography?
8. Can Sean Hannity accurately describe the shape, color, texture and taste of your ass?
9. Can you accurately describe the shape, color, text and taste of former President Donald Trump's ass?

Step 5: Open the doors
You might think the money would be the most difficult part to deal with, but come on, we're talking about the Republican party. Money is the diesel that fuels everything they do. The only way cash becomes an issue with hard-right conservatives is if someone tries to put a woman's portrait on them.

There are tons of rich, crazy people willing to fund your QAnonarro at just about any cost. If they are rich and believe Hillary Clinton has a private sex dungeon in the basement of every Pizza Hut in Washington, they will throw money at you until their Money Throwing Elbow starts acting up again.

Hell, if you invite a sitting member of Congress, half of the funding is already done. You'll get free security and travel since it all eventually goes on the taxpayers' never-ending, unpaid bill. They'll be leaving on a jet plane and testing their mic before you can say "Socialism sucks!" 
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Danny Gallagher has been a regular contributor to the Dallas Observer since 2014. He has also written features, essays and stories for MTV, the Chicago Tribune, Maxim, Cracked, Mental_Floss, The Week, CNET and The Onion AV Club.