Film and TV

'The A-List: Dallas' Episode 9 Recap: The Fashion of Levi's Love

Sorry for the delay this week, poodles. Got tied up while filming for 'Real Freelancers of East Dallas.' Premiering soon on My Fantasy Bravo! Anyway, this week's episode of 'A-List' ratchets up the drama in anticipation of next week's season finale. This is all happening so fast ...

Scene 1: Levi and Chase butch it up, urban-style, and go for a little Top Golf action. The sought-after cowboy is content making jock and ball jokes, but he begins to stiffen in a bad way when Chizzle grills him about his Inchwear business and threatens to invest in it. See, Levi is not completely convinced he wants Chase as a regular boyfriend, much less as a business partner. Awk City! I suddenly realize that there's probably a similar story behind every line of retail skivvies for sale on Cedar Springs. A&E should consider a docu-series.

Scene 2: Vengeful ConservaTwinkie Taylor goes on another fake date with Chase's best girlfriend, Mohammed. They're attending a Very Important Fashion Show at the Trinity River Audobon Center, along with everyone else in the cast sans Levi and James. (What? A scene without Levi? WHO FUCKED UP THE PRODUCTION SCHEDULE?) After a funny quip from Chase regarding his "lesbian boots," they all take their seats. Tay-Tay's talking point for the evening is that this fashion show is "the thing for this year." He announces it to no one in particular. Then, somber models appear on the runway, walking like turtle heads are poking out their asses. The cast members can't seem to come up with much fashion analysis after the show, so Chase and straight-girl-in-charge Ashley use their hang time to get serious with relasha-ship talk. Ash warns him again about getting too emotionally invested in Levi. Chase knows Levi's number, but is falling anyway. He cries on Ash's highly experimental straightened hairdo. Scene 3: Ashley, curls back in the business, meets with Taylor in the park for their regular prayer/devotion date. She's concerned about Tay's usage of Mohammed for revenge purposes. She makes him read a relevant Bible verse aloud, and dots it with a "Duh!" Then, when she fails to make him fully repent, they pray together. Ashley inserts a strange pedicure analogy into her portion of the prayer. Wonder where Mary Magdalene got her toes did.

Scene 4: Crazy James and his flask go on an audition for an independent film called 'Chubby Chasers.' As far as I can tell, there's no actual penetration in this film. It's more of a dramedy surrounding heartbroken twinks and their rebound chubs. Whew, deep stuff. James has major EGOT potential, despite not really fitting the twink mold. But he gives the audition his all, grinding on the fattest fatty in the room with glee and ad-libbing dialogue that's strangely not terrible. I now know why he was cast on this "reality" show. Scene 5: Ash and Taylor are now sipping holy wine at Cork. She's here to volun-tell him that he'll accompany her and other cast members on a charity trip to San Antonio. They'll be helping some horsies affected by the Texas wildfires. Shoveling shit at a rescue farm. Taylor's less concerned about manure than having to be on a trip with Levi and Chase the Cheater. He perks up a bit, though, when Ash tells him Chase can't come. I see a sessual reunion in the near future!

Scene 6: Levi visits the home of Chase, who's rocking clashing striped pieces. They discuss the horse-helping trip, and Chase tells Leev he won't be going. "You can always share a room with Taylor, baybee," Chizzle half-jokes, while dying inside. Then Levi tells Chay-Chay he smells good, asks him if he just douched. Thankful for the lighter moments.

Scene 7: James and Ashley - his self-appointed sponsor - get ready for some horse-saving in their San Antonio hotel room. She nags, he gets defensive. She mothers him too much. He doesn't really talk to her enough. But the tension, while threatening to bubble over, simply simmers. Scene 8: Ash, Tay, James, Leev and loose-lips Phillip arrive to do hard work at the horsey place. Taylor acts like a twinkerella, taking frequent diva breaks and refusing to stomp around in poo. His "cowboy hat" must have been part of a 'Toy Story' play set at some point. Ashley and Levi man up, volunteer to drive a four-wheeler around and dump turds on the soil. They look very natural doing it. New respect. Scene 9: Over some post charity margaritas in San Antone, Ashley tries to keep Levi and Taylor from killing each other/making out publicly. James simply tries to keep from moving into boozing hyperdrive. Finally, the cowboy and his former boy toy trade a few insults that send Ashley a-reeling. She pulls Taylor aside and threatens him: "You'd better go work it out with him, because I'm not dealing with this tomorrow." Sarcastic oooh!

Scene 10: Taylor and Levi go on a rivery walk and try to hash thangs out. Faux shock washes over me as the two human Legos eventually tickle tongues and follow their hard-ons back to the hotel. Tsk tsk, Levi. Chase will not be happy, baybee.

Scene 11: Two days later, back in the Big D, Levi and Chase go for sushi. Chase uses every intelligent man's method to find out if anything happened with Taylor on the trip. Casual questions are gradually replaced by direct cues. Levi's honestly too scared to tell the truth at this point, though. After all, Chase is holding chopsticks, which he just now symbolically split apart. Too much emotion. Must withhold the truth for now, cowboy style.

... which sets up a humdinger of an episode for next week's season finale. Chase bowing up to Levi! Taylor lunching with Ann Coulter! Brayden uttering the ultimate "Are you siiiirrririouss?"! Can't wah-wah-wah wait.

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Hunter Hauk