Here's how it went down. I dropped into Twisted Root at 11:30, refreshed and ready to pummel my arteries with some serious burger action. The line started at the register and reached to the door. I was at the end of it.
The line did not move. Five minutes later it still hadn't moved. Five minutes later it moved one customer.
Over at Uncle Uber's there was no line. I walked right up to the counter and ordered a double with everything. The nice lady asked if I would like a soda, but I declined because a soda is not a burger. Nine minutes later, according to my super-accurate chrono-brain, my burger arrived.
I don't like thin-pattied burgers because they're never as juicy as they could be because they're always cooked beyond well-done. Uncle Uber's, however, uses some burger voodoo or something because between those patties was enough moisture to change my mind about thin patties forever -- so long as they're properly cooked.
Halfway through I had a nice little plate puddle going. That's when I stopped because despite all this sarcastic self-deprecation I'm actually concerned about myself.
Back at Twisted Root I walked through the door to find the line exactly where it was the last time I was there. This time it was moving a little though, but not very fast, so I grabbed a Budweiser, which is not a burger but for the love of God I was still waiting. When I finally placed the order the lady at the counter carded me, which I thought was sweet. She took my order for a cheeseburger down and handed me a slip of paper that had some movie character I've never heard of on it and a receipt that did not compliment my ass. (I thought she was into me.)
Outside I sipped my Budweiser and waited for 10 or so minutes (again, timed with my chrono-brain.) Then I went inside, afraid that I wouldn't be able to hear them call my fake movie name. My name was finally called at 12:28 p.m. (Used my iPhone for that one.)
I ordered that burger at 12:09 (Receipt.)
Seeing that I'd waited 20 minutes for a burger, and my Budweiser was now gone, I was hoping that this burger would be a juicy, delicious, monster burger, but it was not. The patty was dry, rubbery and overworked. I ate half and looked at my paper lined tray: no juice. I squeezed it a little, just to make sure: nothing.
Then a fucking bird attacked my table. It was angry at me.
Look, I get it. Twisted Root serves a big hunk of meat on a bun, and the name is recognizable because Guy Fieri came in and jizzed all over the place. But go try Uncle Uber's the next time the line is sucking. It's right down the street and you'll get a better burger experience for just a quarter more.
That beaver burger however... Yeah, I liked that one.
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