Taylor Swift’s Wedding Cake Is About To Become Everyone’s Problem

In August, pop singer-songwriter Taylor Swift announced her engagement to longtime boyfriend and Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce. Their nuptials are set to be the closest thing Americans have to a royal wedding and fans are already speculating details. When and where will the wedding be? What will Swift wear? Who will be the best man and maid of honor?

But as pop culture aficionados and once-and-future wedding guests, we only have one question on our minds: What kind of cake are they going to serve?

Let Them Eat Cake

Our curiosity goes a little deeper than our mindless participation in celebrity culture. Swift has one of the largest and most dedicated fandoms in all of music and the influence she wields over her “Swifties” borders on hypnosis. We might not be invited to her wedding, but we will be impacted by it all the same. If she chooses some niche flavor or prioritizes the look over the taste, it will only be a matter of time before it trickles down and becomes a trend we all have to endure.

Bakers, you're on notice.

Ornate, vintage-inspired cakes are all the rage at the moment. In the bluntly titled “Enough With the Ugly Cakes,” The Cut writer Bindu Bansinath writes off these trendy cakes, which are often heart-shaped and covered with multicolored icing and garnishes, as “gaudy, boring, and somewhat infantilizing, the edible equivalent of stuffing Miss Havisham’s veil down your throat.”

The Life of a Showgirl Cake

Celebrities have long favored cakes that match this exact description. Think Elvis and Priscilla Presley posing with their towering, six-tier yellow sponge cake adorned with red and white marzipan roses or Grace Kelly’s 200-pound vanilla behemoth decorated with a working music box, live turtle doves and sugar cathedrals.

We can see Swift joining the Presleys and the Of Monacos on this. After all, she is in her Life of a Showgirl era and vintage glam seems like her whole schtick at the moment.

And that honestly wouldn’t be the worst choice. As funny as we find The Cut’s assessment of the trend, we secretly think “tacky” moments like this are a refreshing jolt of character amid a sea of minimalist wedding “old money” (ie, “boring and soulless”) trends.

But the problem, again, is Swift’s influence. We don’t doubt that if she opted for vintage maximalism, the cake would be both dazzling and delicious. She has the money and commitment to excellence to pull it off. Your Swiftie friend, however, does not. Instead of hiring an experienced baker who specializes in this style of cake, they’re going to opt for the Wal-Mart knockoff. (Yes, those do exist.)

Instagram-friendly Swift-spiration will always be the first priority with this friend. Quality and guest satisfaction? Not as much.

A Chai Three-Tiered Tortured Cake

If she’s still mentally in her Tortured Poets Department and Folklore eras, she might opt for something more understated and rustic, like a “naked cake” with simple florals and scraped-on icing. This has been a controversial trend for over a decade and we consider it far riskier than the “ugly cakes” derided by The Cut. If done right, it can be the perfect option for couples going for that natural aesthetic (or who don’t like too much icing). If done wrong, it can look and taste unfinished.

Again, we don’t doubt that Swift will be able to strike that balance for her guests. We just can’t speak for her copycat devotees.

What matters most to us, of course, is how a wedding cake tastes. Throughout all of her eras, one thing that hasn’t changed about Swift is her love of baking. Her bread, cookies and various pastries have received rave reviews from friends and family, so we at least know she’s committed to serving quality sweets.

We also have a pretty good sense of what kind of flavors she leans towards and might choose for her wedding cake. It’s a bit of a mixed bag. Her most famous recipe is her Chai sugar cookies, which she used to bake for fans at album release parties. It’s a classic sugar cookie loaded with autumnal spices and topped with a nutmeg and eggnog icing.
If the wedding takes place in the fall, we feel like we can confidently anticipate these flavors making their way into the desserts and we’re okay with that. While not as common for weddings, Chai, nutmeg and eggnog are simple, sweet crowd-pleasers that will help set the perfect tone for a fall wedding.

There will probably still be a smattering of fans who mindlessly trot them out in spring just for that Taylor Swift touch, but we feel like we can live with that. We’ve tried the cookies and we can attest that they really are that good.

Swift’s betrothed, Travis Kelce, raved about her homemade Pop-Tarts on his podcast earlier this year, which she made for all the player on the Chiefs. She has yet to drop her recipe, but it might be helpful to consider that both the bride and groom enjoy fruit-filled treats with icing on top.

A Fruity (or Funfetti!) Hand-Made Number

Cakes filled or topped with fruit can be a safe, classic option, but we need to know if they’re strawberry, blueberry or cherry people.

On her recent appearance on Kelce’s podcast (which is increasingly becoming a force in the world of baking), Swift discussed her love of making sourdough and several of her friends and loved ones have received fresh-baked loaves from her as gifts. She has apparently tried her hand at several flavors, including blueberry lemon, cinnamon raisin, and, for her friends’ kids, Funfetti.

Funfetti has never been considered a traditional wedding cake flavor, or a traditional flavor at all outside of a children’s birthday party. But given Swift’s aforementioned iron grip of an influence over millennial women, that could change in an instant if she wanted it to.

This is the most chaotic option of all, but we secretly hope she goes with it. Sure, the trend will be considered the pinnacle of cringe within a couple of years. But in the meantime, it seems like a whimsical, attainable and (most importantly) edible option for the couple that doesn’t take themselves too seriously.

Grandmacore by the Slice

Above all else, Taylor Swift is a crowd pleaser and we hope that instinct ultimately wins the day. As much as we're intrigued by the Chai and Funfetti options, it would probably be for the better if she went with something simple and basic that’s not interesting enough to spark some new trend. We’re thinking vanilla cake, white icing and two little figurines on top. Call it "grandmacore."

Swift can popularize whatever kind of dress, venue or general aesthetic she wants. That’s the couple’s prerogative at the end of the day. But as for what her guests (and the future guests of her fans) have to eat, we’re humbly begging her to show a little mercy.