Flaccid in Frisco: North Texas Cities Rank Least Horny in America

It may now seem like a foggy prewar memory, but there was a time life used to feel like an orgy of instant, rampant, often unexplained horniness — a time when attractions were so plentiful and our excitement so, um,  premature we had to deliberately conjure unsexy mental images to keep our libidos in check.

Today we stand on more infertile ground. If the whole era of global viruses and destruction didn’t kill your boner, there was also racism, presidential elections and insurrections to render us celibate.

While the pandemic season acted as a cascading, cruel cold shower on our sex drives, in North Texas, there was something particularly unappealing in the water.

A click-bait survey — yeah, we bit — conducted by website LawnStarter.com determined the horniest cities in America, which were calculated by their single population, interviews on self-reported levels of horniness, along with measures such as online porn searches and sex toy purchases.

The survey makes no mention of data related to online dating, which would seem a blatant indicator of participants’ desire to bone, but, nevertheless, it’s not a stretch to believe that anyone who has happily settled in Midland does not place excitement as a high priority in life.

Midland ranked number 200 in horniness, making it the least horny city on the list, barely beating out Frisco (at no. 199) for the last spot. If Texas women were wondering whether they were finally getting objectified less because of MeToo awareness or because of our apocalyptic-messy new looks, we’re happy (not really) to report that horniness is alive and throbbing in the top 10 horniest cities in America. The honors go as follow:

1. Paradise, Nevada
2. Orange, California
3. Hollywood, Florida
4. Providence, Rhode Island
5. Atlanta, Georgia
6. Fort Lauderdale, Florida
7. Newark, New Jersey
8. Dayton, Ohio
9. Tempe, Arizona
10. Baltimore, Maryland

Despite its growing population, the city of Frisco is still not horny. Was it the permanent closing of that longstanding meat-market-with-the-appeal-of-a-salad-bar known as the Down Under Bar or the fact that the city’s biggest attraction lies under the sterile fluorescent lights of IKEA? While Swedish meatballs are just not doing it for Frisco's unhorny residents, the Dallas suburb's disinterest in sex could partially be explained by the fact that millennials are moving to Frisco in droves, and they are reportedly having less sex than any generation before it.

Near the bottom of the list are also McKinney, at no. 192 and Plano at 194. Texas city Brownsville stands un-erect at spot 195, followed by Laredo at 196 and Amarillo at 197. Even with all those sexy Texan accents going around. Huh.

Another thing we learned from the survey is that the metaphorical use of adjectives "blue" and "red" no longer refers to sexual frustration, at least not in the way we used to mean them: Participants in the survey reported that political compatibility informed their sexual interest in potential partners. Still, this information doesn't shed any light on why so many not-horny cities are located in Texas, which boasts of natural lubricants such as natives Gov. Greg Abbott and Sen. Ted Cruz, and displays electrifyingly eclectic architecture and elegance through world-class cities like Plano.

Dallas came in at a moderate 115 on the list, while traditionally sexy cities such as San Francisco ranked 35th, Las Vegas 37th, Miami 48th and New York 147th.

The biggest revelation in the survey was perhaps that 100 percent of all adults surveyed who identified as having “ultra-right” political leanings did not masturbate AT ALL during the pandemic. Again, this survey relied on self-reporting. On the other hand, that might explain why ultra-right people are so angry. Oddly, Republicans were more likely than any other group to participate in virtual sex.

The biggest oversight in LawnStarter's survey, however, was that it did not place among its ranking the Texan Panhandle city of Stinnett, made infamous by three-timing former police chief Jason Collier, whose horniness alone would’ve beaten out any city in America.