For many Texans, Dallas-based 7-Eleven occupies a special place in the pantheon of convenience stores. It singlehandedly upended the staid world of drink sizes with Big Gulps, charting the path to normalcy for half-gallons of soda. And those blessed hotdog rollers fill that need for a skosh of protein somewhere between lunch and dinner (or at 2 a.m.). Honestly, though, if you're sleeping on their cappuccinos, you need to get in on that game. (The only problem here is that half the time the machines are broken.)
Now comes the recent announcement that the world's largest 24-hour convenience retailer has created new taste-tempting 7-Select sparkling waters in bold flavors: lemon lime, green apple, sweet orange and ... hot dog.
Big Bite Hot Dog Sparkling Water combines the iconic beefy snack and a beverage into one, mustard and ketchup included. With bubbles!
Here, from the press release, is the part we're banking on to save everyone from collectively barfing:
"More details on the availability of this flavor will be revealed on April 1 – but in the meantime ..."
Hold it there. April 1. It's a joke, right? Or ...
1. Fred Durst Is Involved
Fred Durst and his band, Limp Bizkit, released an album Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water in 2000. (Oh, mark that 25-year anniversary party for next year.) The latter part of the name refers to some water the band saw at a gas station while on tour. The first part refers to Durst. Look it up — his words, not ours.2. AI Did It
We get it, 7-Eleven. The world is hard and keeping ahead in the gas station game in the era of Buc-ee's must feel utterly defeating. (Or is it? You can clean, too, you know.) So, you asked ChatGPT: What can we come up with to stifle Buc-ee's world domination? And 3.4 seconds later, AI took the two things people like most at 7-Eleven and birthed the most horrible AI baby ever.3. It's Actually a New Slurpee Flavor
What if it's a new Slurpee flavor, and little chunks of hot dogs are mixed in? So when you suck through those big straws, every now and then a chunk gets a little stuck and you have to suck extra hard. And as you near the bottom, it's just a collection of hot dog pieces. Having fun yet? They seem to be taking themselves seriously, though.
"7-Select products are known and loved by our customers as high quality, innovative products at a great value,” vice president of private brands at 7-Eleven, Nikki Boyers said. “The 7-Select sparkling waters are the latest example of this and we can’t wait to hear what our customers think of these fun, colorful flavors.”
From a public relations standpoint, why? Now we can't stop seeing it. As well intended as this little joke may have seemed in a conference room, could this be a nail in the coffin? We may never drive by a store again without reliving that time 7-Eleven grossed us out. Not even sure I can go back for a cappuccino at this point.
