Hey, Halloween Candy Switch Witch: Go Suck a Blow Pop.

Some parents call it the "Halloween Candy Fairy." Some call her the "Switch Witch." By any name, the concept this thieving mythical bag of turds represents is total Tootsie Roll bullshit.

The concept is simple: Kids go trick-or-treating, they bring home a ton of candy, they go to sleep and Switch Witch "trades" their candy for a toy. In the morning, there's no more candy, so parents who are worried about their kids over-consuming candy are calmed, and the kid gets a cool toy. Win, win, right?


Everyone knows that Halloween is a night for dressing up like an idiot and begging strangers for candy. Halloween is about getting your face painted and then shoving a Milky Way bar directly into your mouth orifice. Halloween is about determining good houses from bad based solely on whether or not they serve Sugar Daddys. Halloween is about scaring the crap out of your friends when they run around a corner. It's about ringing doorbells and yelling. Halloween is about cramming all the nervous, excited energy of a whole year into a couple hours while you run around your neighborhood in the dark with a light saber. It's about finding the perfect friend: one who loves the candies you hate, and hates the candies you love. BECAUSE TRADE YA.

The Switch Witch is a bullshit marketing ploy/cop-out for parents who are afraid of their kids. (Admittedly, the toy is super cute, but super cute stuff can still be bullshit. Exhibit A: One Direction. Exhibit B: Labradoodles. Exhibit C: Tofurkey.) If you think your kids are going to eat too much candy, TELL THEM TO STOP EATING CANDY.

And if you're worried about eating healthy on Halloween, give me a Dubble-Bubble-ing break. Put the granola bar down for two seconds and be OK with giving your kid a cheat day. He can drink a Shakeology in the morning and flush it all out anyway. 

If you are concerned about having all that candy in your home after your kids go trick-or-treating: 

1) Wow, your life is super hard. Step back a minute and think about that complaint. "We have too many Sweet Tarts. Uuuuuuugh. Living the dream is annoying."

2) STOP TRICK-OR-TREATING EARLIER. It's not hard to stop walking up to houses. When you think you're at capacity for stranger Rolos for the night, freaking stop asking strangers for Rolos, y'all!

3) Don't go out trick-or-treating in the first place. You clearly hate it. Throw a party. Eat some Bugles. Call it a night. 

4) If you truly hate having all that crap in your home, and the idea is to get rid of the crap, WHY ON EARTH ARE YOU BUYING MORE CRAP? Trading crap candy for some piece of crap toy is dumber than candy corn. And if you were going to get the kid a nice toy — one she's been begging for forever — you are the worst thing. There is no need to bring legitimate, Christmukkah-level toys into the Halloween equation, and by doing so, you are screwing all the rest of us forever. Because you gave Sally a Nintendo Power Pad on Halloween, my kid is like, "Mommy, I want a badass toy, too," and now you're forcing me to parent. I hate parenting. Being a mom is awesome, but parenting fucking blows. If I have to start parenting my kid about why the Switch Witch is some bull, you and I are seriously going to have to have words.

Let's say you're like, "Hey— my kid has a food allergy, and she can't eat all this candy because she'll be super sick." Instead of inventing a holiday character to teach your kid that we all have our own issues and her issue is a food one, it's time for you to nut up and parent your kid. "Hey child: You can't eat that stuff because you'll get super sick. This is serious. Don't eat it. Let's go bob for apples out of someone's old-ass bucket and put our mouths on the same apples everyone else has already mouthed instead!!!" There's plenty of Halloween stuff to do that's just as weird as asking strangers for candy that also does not require you to make up some reason you're stealing your kid's candy.

If you don't like Halloween, that's fine. I get it. It's a super weird holiday that promotes children running outside in the dark and talking to strangers and playing weird carnival games whilst dressed in seasonally inappropriate clothing and crap-ass wigs. So, don't Halloween.

But if you do like Halloween and joy and happiness, stop creating these Elf-on-a-Shelf knock-off lies like Switch Witch and be an adult: Steal your kids' candy and lie about it in the morning. It's tradition. And, you're taller than they are. You got this.

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