Valentine’s Day is just two weeks away, and if you’re reading this, you most likely fit into one of two categories:
Group A: You’re a romantic who's been planning weeks in advance to give your loved one an experience they’ll never forget. Whatever pronoun they identify with is the love of your life and you want to show them that you are the pronoun you identify with for them. Also you’ve probably been dating for less than six months considering you’re still enthusiastic about Valentine’s Day.
Group B: You’re in a 7-Eleven right now looking for what’s left on the shelves. It’s 5 p.m. on Valentine’s Day and you’re feeling super screwed. Pro tip: Take a bunch of candy bars, melt them in the microwave near the front counter, and try to pass it off as a heart. It probably won’t work, but you’ll probably be single in hours anyway, so give it a shot.
Either way, you want something to do for Valentine’s Day. Consider us here at the Dallas Observer your personal Cupid, with a list of activities broken down by dollar sign, ranging from cheap to "you spent so much you look suspicious of cheating."
Wine & Magic with Trigg Watson
Checkered Past Winery, 1409 S. Lamar, Ste. 008
7 p.m. Feb. 15-16
Checkered Past Winery sees the return of magician Trigg Watson as he amazes audiences on Valentine’s Day weekend. Not only is $20 a steal to see one of the best magic acts Dallas has to offer, but Checkered Past Winery will run specials on their food and drinks during the show, like their Lover’s Flatbread Pizza for $14. Make reservations now to see the greatest trick ever attempted — how to make a flatbread pizza sexy.
Aaron Aryanpur at Backdoor Comedy Club
Backdoor Comedy Club, 8250 N. Central Expressway
7:30 p.m. and 9:30 p.m. Feb. 14
If laughter is the best medicine, it probably works as foreplay too. Backdoor Comedy Club is having a special Valentine’s Day Show headlined by the very sexy-to-his-wife Aaron Aryanpur. The local comedic favorite has been featured on Fox’s Laughs. He's a previous winner of the Funniest Comic in Texas award and performs around the country. The price of admission will get each attendee chocolates, a glass of champagne and a ticket for a future show.
Ricki Derek Valentine’s Day Double Feature
Granada Theater, 3524 Greenville Ave.
7 p.m. Feb. 14
$30 and up
Take a trip back to the days of Sinatra, when Ricki Derek sings the classic love songs that got your grandparents hot and bothered enough to get married at 17. After taking in a selection of the Dallas crooner’s finest tributes, a screening of the romantic classic It Happened One Night will follow immediately. To make it a full dinner and show, snag a reservation at the restaurant next door, Sundown at Granada.
Valentine’s Day Couples Yin Class
Yoga Pod Dallas, 2312 Victory Park Lane
8 p.m. Feb. 14
$60 per couple
Like the old saying goes, couples that stretch together stay together. Yoga Pod Dallas is offering a couples YIN class with advertised “light bites and sips to follow.” YIN yoga focuses on improving flexibility by applying pressure to joints, which could come in handy for whatever you might want to do afterward. Be warned voyeurs, this is for couples only. Yoga Pod won’t allow you to just come sit in a corner and stare at people stretching — this isn’t a public park.
Dark Hour Haunted House
701 Taylor Drive, Plano
7 p.m. Feb. 14-16
A haunted house might not seem like the first choice for a romantic evening, but it’s a great litmus test to find out if your partner would protect you during a threat. Dark Hour Haunted House will unlock its doors for three days, inviting those brave enough to check out their Valentine’s Day-themed story line, Fever. A virus outbreak is ravaging the city, supernatural forces are at play and you’re just trying to make it out alive. If you would like to tour Dark Hour’s second attraction, Annabelle’s Asylum, make sure to have an additional $10 ready.
Keith and Margo’s 29th annual St. Valentine’s Massacre
Omni Dallas Hotel at Park West, 1590 Lyndon B Johnson Freeway
7 p.m. Feb. 16
If you’ve always wanted to see someone get murdered while having dinner, make reservations for Keith and Margo’s 29th annual St. Valentine’s Massacre. Your three-course dinner is interrupted by a homicide, and as a spectator you interview suspects to see if you can solve the murder before the killer can get away — just like a real murder investigation. It’s a lighthearted evening played for laughs — more Clue than CSI — so no traumatic memories will be made unless you really hate the food. For an additional $130, you can reserve a room at the hotel.
Single and (Maybe) Looking
Hey, single people: We didn’t leave you out. The rest of the world has, but we didn’t. Here are a few places for you to go where couples won’t look at your fierce, career-focused independence with pity.
Single Awareness Day Party
The Rustic, 3656 Howell St.
6 p.m. Feb. 14
There’s no shame in being single no matter what your mother says, and the Rustic wants to celebrate it. The first 50 people to show up will be given a tank top, a free cocktail and a bourbon sampling from Jim Beam. DJ Christy Ray will play the greatest breakup songs, likely involving damaging an ex’s property without repercussions, from 7 to 10 p.m.. Representatives from Bumble will walk around with speed dating games and icebreakers to meet someone, because nothing celebrates being single like being set up on a date.
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Be My Valentine Bash
Veritas Wine Room, 2323 N. Henderson Ave., Suite 103
8 p.m. Feb. 14
Dating is a numbers game, so the best way to increase your odds of finding someone is going on dozens of mini-dates in one night. The process is simple: You speak with a potential future spouse for five to six minutes, and then the hosts move the gentleman to the next table to start again. After the night is over, you hand your scorecards to the host, they tabulate the results, and email you the next day if a match was made. From there you get married and fight about money and argue at restaurants in a hushed whisper to not draw attention.
Love Connection Live
Guns & Roses, 2014 Commerce St.
7 p.m. Feb. 14
Modeled after the long-running game show, Guns & Roses Boutique will host its own version of Love Connection. Three unknown suitors are behind a curtain, and based upon the answers they provide to questions, one lucky person will be picked as a possible match. If they choose to go on a date, Guns & Roses will send them on a free date. To participate as one of the contestants, email firstname.lastname@example.org by Feb. 7.