St. Patrick's Day, I Should Point Out, Sucks

Keep Dallas Observer Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Dallas and help keep the future of Dallas Observer free.

I want to love it like Alice does. I've been looking out my office window and noticing how all the tree buds have filled out; Dallas is awash in a sea of green, and it won't be long before the sun bakes everything into a mottled brown. Why not throw on a green shirt, find a nice pub and drink down 17 pints of beer while singing terrible folk songs?

Oh yeah. Because you can't.

While this is my first St. Patrick's Day in Dallas, I know where this is headed. All the decent pubs will open early and stay packed all day. Trying to finding a seat at the bar will be like trying to find free valet parking downtown, and drunk people who I don't like will constantly invade my personal space while I drink.

I could go to a non-Irish bar, but things would only be worse. European and craft drafts will get replaced with keg after keg of horse piss, and while I love my horse piss (Budweiser, specifically), pints of green beer make me so angry I want to cock punch a leprechaun.

I might try my go-to tactic, the holiday flip-flop, wherein I patronize a Mexican restaurant on St. Patrick's Day (margaritas are green) and an Irish Pub on Cinco de Mayo (they always have at least one Mexican beer). But I've had so much Tex-Mex lately my insides feel like one big sour cream enchilada.

Maybe I'll fill up a flask with Jameson and check out this parade that Mark Cuban saved. If there's one thing I've noticed Dallas does well, it's big, outdoor parties. Oktoberfest and the Greek Festival just about blew my mind; why not a Greenville Avenue Parade? Maybe if I ditch out a touch early I'll be able to grab a stool at the Dubliner before the massive crowd pushes in behind me. Drunk people invading my space won't be as bothersome as long as I can get drunker than they are first.

Keep the Dallas Observer Free... Since we started the Dallas Observer, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Dallas, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Dallas with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


Join the Observer community and help support independent local journalism in Dallas.


Join the Observer community and help support independent local journalism in Dallas.