Five Things the Ritz-Carlton is Doing for the Super Bowl That Scare Us

The Ritz-Carlton and Fearing's restaurant are going all out for the Super Bowl. They're gonna have "football concierges" who are currently "undergoing extensive football information and statistics training." They're gonna have "special gridiron-themed cocktails." There will even be a "super-sized chocolate extravaganza created to honor the game of football" in the lounge. All of that stuff sounds pretty cool, but they're also doing some stuff that scares the crap out of us.

Below is a list of five real things the Ritz-Carlton is doing for the weekend of the Super Bowl that kinda freak us out. For a much bigger list of Super Bowl-themed events that are, mostly, not freaky, check out our event guide here.

The First Down Facial For a limited time, the Ritz-Carlton spa will be offering the First Down Facial. Yep. They really named it that. We're not sure what that means in the spa world, but you give a "First Down Facial" to someone on a football field and you'll be getting more than a 15-yard penalty. Our advice: Bolt if they ask you to sign a waiver.

The Guacamologist If you haven't heard, The Ritz has a guacamologist. "Who gets a degree in guacamology?" you ask? Apparently someone who has a job, Mr. Judgy Liberal Arts Major. Our problem isn't with the guacamologist -- it's with the"lucky visitor" the Ritz Carlton is going to allow to be "Guest Guacamologist, working alongside chefs of The Ritz-Carlton to provide complimentary fresh guacamole." So some random Drunky McHerpesTits they pick out is gonna be making our free food? Pass.

Seven-Layer "Dean" Dip It's on the menu. It comes with roasted poblano queso and corn strips. One question: Which layer of the 7-layer "Dean" dip has the DNA in it?

Spa Tailgate January 30th, in the men's television viewing lounge, spa guests can watch a game and enjoy Bloody Marys, beer, bourbon and brandy. They're calling that a Spa Tailgate. "Spa" and "Tailgate" should never be next to each other in a sentence. Unless it's because someone's saying, "I'm not going to a spa tailgate."

"I'll have the ultra-gourmet hot dog." If you're staying in the Ritz-Carlton, you can order "ultra-gourmet" hot dog delivery to your room. Dare you to order it breathily. If they ask if you want the half hour or hour, order a pizza instead. Or maybe not.

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Alice Laussade writes about food, kids, music, and anything else she finds to be completely ridiculous. She created and hosts the Dallas event, Meat Fight, which is a barbecue competition and fundraiser that benefits the National MS Society. Last year, the event raised $100,000 for people living with MS, and 750 people could be seen shoving sausage links into their faces. And one time, she won a James Beard Award for Humor in Writing. That was pretty cool.
Contact: Alice Laussade