As you may have heard, student debt is having a bit of a moment. Specifically, people everywhere (from Sen. Chuck Schumer to Chugs, my college roommate) are calling for at least some portion of student debt to be canceled. In fact, Schumer and Elizabeth Warren recently proposed a resolution that would enable president-elect Joe Biden to forgive up to $50,000 in student loans through executive action.
It’s important to note that a resolution does not have the binding force of a law, and is therefore more of a recommendation for the man in the Oval Office. But this got us thinking. Clearly, student debt should be canceled, but let’s not stop there. After all, there are many, many more things that should be canceled, and since Congress and the president allegedly represent the will of the people, we should implore them to use their magical canceling powers (or, rather, their magical canceling recommendation powers) to cancel more stuff.
Here’s what else Joe Biden and his administration should cancel. You know, assuming this whole coup thing doesn’t happen.
17 seasons is roughly 12 seasons too many.
Tomi Lahren’s show
We're not even sure what network this is on (The Blaze? The Haze? Is that a thing?) but wherever it is, it needs to be axed. If you need to know why, please see this deconstruction of why Lahren is and always will be the worst.
Ted Cruz’s beard
The beard is so criminal it should run for Texas attorney general.
Every social media platform adding “stories”
It’s gone too far.
Social media, period
Except for TikTok. Instagram and Twitter can stay, too. So really just Facebook.
No explanation needed.
Red hats that don’t say “MAGA” but still look like they say “MAGA”
They’re just not worth the risk.
This just feels like a no-brainer because, you know, we’re living through a global health pandemic.
Senate hearings where politicians yell at tech tycoons
On second thought, those are kind of fun. We can discuss it.
The Fantastic Beasts franchise
We would love to watch Jude Law being sassy for two hours and 17 minutes, we just don’t want J.K. Rowling to get paid for it.
Those maps that tell you about each state’s favorite side dish/fast food restaurant
They feel like distractions from our impending doom at the hands of climate change. Kind of like listicles.
There’s no joke here. Just cancel it.
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